A Mother's Journey: Breaking Generational Cycles with SDYM

This weekend, I had a conversation with My Bestie about My Child.

I’m not going to retell the entire conversation…because it was several hours long.

However, the gist of it was…I couldn’t believe that I had raised a child as good and as pure as Ricky II.

I know me.

And, he is my polar opposite.

So, I told her that I think God created him this way and I just didn’t mess up the perfection that God trusted me to parent.

She’s been in our day-to-day life since he was three years old.

And, she pushed back.

Basically, she said that she could not cosign on that statement because she has watched me with Ricky II, since he was three years old and he is a product of me…giving him a safe space to be his authentic self since the day he was born.

She, then, went on to say that she would imagine that it’s easy to be good and pure when you know that someone thinks the absolute world of you and tells and shows you that every single day of your life.

She posited that when you are that covered, no one’s opinion or nothing else matters. You see yourself as good because you’ve heard it all your life. Your goodness has been affirmed.

So, it’s your truth.

Now, even though I heard the logic in her statement, I still wasn’t convinced because to know Ricky II is to know that he is soooo good.

Really that’s the only word I can use to adequately describe him.

In 17 years, this boy has just been good.

Well, yesterday, something happened that sent me into deep reflection.

I was watching a TD Jake’s sermon and he started to speak about parents’ relationships with their children.

He specifically spoke about parents who are divorced.

After hearing that segment of the sermon, I called Ricky II in…because I felt he would benefit from hearing TD Jakes’ words.

As Ricky II listened to the excerpt of the sermon, I heard sounds of nonverbal agreement.

When that part of the sermon was over, I paused the television.

And, I turned to Ricky II and apologized to him if I’d ever done anything to make him feel uncomfortable or awkward as a child who is navigating relationships with parents who are divorced.

Ricky II: Mom, you’re fine. You did everything right.

Me: Okay, but promise me if I ever do anything that’s wrong, you will tell me so I can apologize and make it right. I love you and don’t ever want you to feel awkward or uncomfortable.

Ricky II: Okay. I promise.

Me: I just want to do what’s best for you because I need you to ALWAYS be okay. And I don’t want to do anything that will cause you to be less than okay.

Ricky II got out his chair, knelt in front of me as I sat on the couch and held my hands.

He looked me in my eyes, so lovingly.

Ricky II: It’s not just about me being okay or you being okay. WE’RE going to be okay. Because, WE’RE doing this! Together!!! And we’re both going to be okay. And we’re both going to get what we need.

I heard the words coming out of his mouth.

But, I was entranced by the love and sincerity in his eyes as he looked at His Mama.

That Baby meant what he said!

In that moment, I knew as long as Ricky II had breath in his body, he was going to make sure His Mama was good.

I don’t have the words to justly or adequately describe the exchange.

Just know…I have never experienced anything so good and pure in my life.

And, it got me thinking.

Reflecting on our relationship.

Ricky II is my absolute favorite person in the world to talk to.

Not because he is my son, but because he is wise.

And, we see the world through completely different lens.

I speak positivity and communicate in strength based language. But those are learned behaviors for me.

I grew up very different than Ricky II.

So, I tend to think negative thoughts first.

Then, I filter those thoughts through a new learned perspective.

Therefore, what comes out my mouth is positive and strength based…even if my original thoughts weren’t positive or strength based.

I’m very skilled and quick with this cognitive shift…because I’ve been practicing this way of being all his life.

But, it is not authentic to me. So, even if no one else knows my first thoughts because they seldom come out my mouth, I know they exist.

So, the perfection My Child sees in me, I don’t see it myself.

However, the consequence of this learned behavior that I established at the onset of my mothering journey is this is the only way of being Ricky II knows.

He has always had a mother who speaks positively to him…so that’s how he thinks.

That’s who he is. There is no filter that cleans up his thoughts. He thinks pure and positively.

Thus, his words and actions reflect his authentic thoughts.

He is authentically positive and sees the world through a strength based lens.

Then, later that evening, in a totally different conversation, he said something about using the word “when” instead of “if”, when talking about his goals.

And, I heard me in him!

Not the authentic me that I hear first.

But the learned me…that I filter my thoughts through before pouring into my child.

His take on “when” versus “if” was so profound that we’re most likely going to make a video about it at some point… But I digress.

The point of this post is generational cycles can be broken.

What you know doesn’t have to be what you live.

And, what you knew never has to touch your child.

Parents, we really do have the power to change the world for the better one child at a time.

And, Ricky II is my contribution to a wonderful New World. #ThankYouFatherGod #ForTrustingMeWithThisPreciousGift

Note: I usually use the moniker, SDYM, when talking about Ricky II online. However, there was no way I could write this post without honoring Ricky II by name. #TheBestPersonIKnow